Celebrating & Grieving

Today is Toby's one week birthday.  Just one week ago I could barely feel my feet.  I was confined to a bed.  And I was loving every minute of it because I had just had welcomed my sweet son into the world.  It's been a week.  We are now at home.  Toby is healthy & beautiful.  The other kids are starting to adjust.  They loved their extra time with grandparents and daddy last week.  I am so in love with this new little boy.  He eats well and lets me get some sleep during the night.  My other kids love him too.  But even with all this goodness surrounding our family right now I cannot help but feel a little sad.  A part of me is grieving the end of the childbearing chapter of my life.  Never again will I hear one of my own newborns cry for the first time.  I won't bring another new baby home.  In time I will probably forget how wonderful it feels to snuggle a newborn as we both fall asleep.  I will miss this.  The past four years of my life have been full of pregnancy & nursing new babies.  It feels weird to be done and to close that chapter for good.  And yet I feel like celebrating Toby's one week birthday and celebrating the adventures that lay ahead.  It's odd to grieve & celebrate at the same time.  I'm torn.  I'm tired.  And I'm grateful.  I was talking with a friend about feeling sad that we are finished having children.  Her words to me helped put things in perspective.  She said, "I felt sad too.  But I knew deep in my heart that my life was going to be full.  And that was enough."