Halloween!

What a busy day we had! Started off by having orange pancakes for breakfast, followed by making some pumpkins to deliver to Great Grandma and Auntie (who works at my grandmas assisted living facility). Then we headed home for lunch consisting of Mac & Cheese with pumpkin shaped toast & dirt (pudding, cookies and gummy worms)! We topped the day off with a pumpkin shaped pizza and some hardcore trick or treating! Our kids had a blast today, & I certainly did too!

New Cousin

Our kids received a new baby cousin named Joseph this week! They are so excited to have a baby to hold. However, "Joseph" is a difficult name to pronounce when you're two! Today the kids and I had a conversation similar to this today.

Bree; Um, mom? Eli keeps calling Joseph Jof Op but that's not right. His name is Joseph.
Me: Eli is younger than you and he's learning to say his words right. That's how Eli says Joseph, it's okay.
Bree: but it's now right! His name is Joseph!
***eli enters the room***
Bree: Eli, say Joseph!
Eli: Jof Op.
Bree: No! That's not right! It's Joseph!
Eli: that's what I said! Jof Op!

Ha! I love those two.

Bree had a great birthday! She received several great gifts and when I asked what her favorite was she politely replied, "I love them all.". I can't believe she is four already, where has the time gone? I got a bit choked up when I tucked in my four year old into bed tonight. She said to me, "mommy thank you for everything. I love all my presents. Can you please leave the decorations up for one more day because I love them too.". Yes, darling girl I will leave your decorations up as long as you'd like. Thanks to all who made Bree's day extra special <3

Happy Birthday BREE!

Happy 4th Birthday Breena!

 

 There are no words to accurately describe the ways you've blessed my life. 

 

 

I am so proud of the beautiful, unique, intelligent, lovable little lady you are.

 

I love you right up to the moon and back.  Always & forever.  Pinkie Swear,

 

All my love,

Mommy

4

This beauty turns FOUR in two days... Oh how my heart beams with pride over what an awesome kid she is.

 

 

family photos

I'm in love with our latest family pictures and I haven't even seen them all yet!

Naps

After months/years of battling to get the kids down for a nap I finally did the unthinkable: I gave in. This past week we implemented a one hour quiet play time in place of a nap. And it has been HEAVENLY! Honest! I would battle Eli to lay down for over an hour just to get him to sleep for one hour. I was often left with a scratchy voice from constant scolding and the feeling of being a complete failure as his mother. Breena has gotten better about laying nicely but struggled to fall asleep. And so we put a cabosh on the naps in exchange for an early bedtime. Our house is running much more peacefully. Much of it is probably because I am not facing that witching nap war daily. The kids pick up on when I'm feeling stressed and it makes them stressed too. I wish I would've given into the nap battle sooner, but happy the transition has been great for all parties involved!

Dreams

I've been known to have some bizarre, realistic dreams. I sometimes remember them but often hear from Dave the weird thing I say in my sleep. It appears as though Breena has inherited that!

*Last week she told me "When we were in the desert Daddy hurt his leg!" Lasted that day she drew me a picture of Dave with a sad face & blood on his leg! I thought for sure I needed to call a child psychologist! Upon further investigation I found out she had dreamed that we were all playing in the desert when Daddy fell and scraped his knee. She then gave him a bandaid & he gave her piggy back ride! Not as bad as I thought!
* A few days ago Bree came flying into my room & was frantic. She said "I just heard grandma yell for Louie (my moms dog)! I think he ran away!
* This morning's dream recap was by far the best! Bree crawled into bed with me at about 6am this morning. She was opening & closing her hand. Finally she said, "when I close my hand bubbles come out of my fingers!". Later on she started opening and closing her hand again- "now the bubbles are gone Mommy!"

Goofball... Never a dull moment with her!

Miscarriage Rememberance

Precious One,

 

 

 

I held you every second of your life.  You're forever in my heart.

 

All My Love,

Mommy

 

 

{Please light a candle at 7pm tonight in rememberance of miscarriage, stillborn & infant loss.}



Leaves!

Again

Seriously? Another respiratory illness for Eli. This is getting old!

Barbies

There's nothing like being excited to snuggle in bed to watch my Tuesday night show only to find a bed full of Barbies. It remind me that 1) I love my adorable, goofball children 2) they desperately need a playroom!

Date Night

It's been a long couple of weeks with illness at our house (I've remained healthy thru it all!). I'm working late tonight to make up for canceling appointments last week to care for my sickies. Tomorrow Dave is gone from early morning until late at night traveling out of state for work. Our last date night was Aug. 17. We need a date night. 'Nough said.

Toby Says..

"What?!? Eli is feeling better? Well someone needs to keep Mom on her toes. Okay guys I'll take one for the team. Here it goes!"

Tummy Bug round two at our house began this morning with my baby waking up full of... Ill spare you the details. Bring it on germs! This mama is armed with Lysol!

Another one down!

At 4:10pm today the darn stomach bug claimed its next victim. Poor Eli is miserable. He has gotten it the worst. It's 7:15pm as I write this and so far he has needed one bath, three outfits, one set of fresh blankets and 9 buckets cleaned out. I'm bracing for a long night & I'm praying my little boy can get some rest.

Sand

My Dear Big Kids,

I love that you have so much fun playing in the sandbox. I love when you make me sand "Mac n cheese" and sand "sprinkles". But if you could be so kind as to avoid filling your pockets with sand, forgetting to remove sand, and throwing sand filled clothes into my washing machine I'd much appreciate it. And our washing machine would appreciate it too.

Thanks,
Mommy

Tummy Bug

QUESTION: How many bathes did Toby take before noon today?
ANSWER: 3!

Poor little guy caught the stomach bug (thanks to big sister who was sick this past weekend). His bedroom is near the bathroom. When I got up to shower this morning I smelled something sour. I assumed it was a diaper that got left in the bathroom garbage so I quickly removed the garbage bag. Still smelled. I didn't think too much of it and went on to make breakfast for the big kids. I had to wake Toby for a doctors appointment only to find him covered in vomit. Luckily my mom came along to the doctors office and was able to hold a bucket for Toby while I drove. He's sleeping now, pretty miserable though. Hoping he feels better after nap & that Eli avoids the plague!

Speaking of Eli- he had a rough week with respiratory stuff. We now have him on 2 inhaled steroids and an oral medication twice daily. Toby will begin taking one inhaled steroid and one oral medication daily too. Hopefully this helps get us through the winter free from major illness!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.  Did you know that 1 in 4 pregnancy end in miscarriage?  I guess I fit that mold- 3 healthy babies, one tiny soul in Heaven.  October is even more sentimental for me because not only is it Pregnancy Loss Awareness month but it also happens to be the month that we experienced our loss.  In the spirit of remembrance here are my recollections of the worst time in my life.

October 30, 2007

I sat on the table at a doctor’s office for my 13 week prenatal checkup.  I had been feeling a bit queasy and very tired- both signs of a healthy pregnancy.  After some small talk Dr. G pulled out his Doppler.  No heartbeat.  He didn’t appear too concerned as he went to get the portable ultrasound machine.  I waited patiently as he began an abdominal ultrasound my eyes locked on the screen.  I had had a couple of ultrasounds with this pregnancy- enough to know what the little flicker of the heart looked like.  The image on the screen was still.  No flicker.  No heartbeat.  Dr. G turned off the ultrasound machine and placed his hand gently on top of mine.  “I’m sorry.  I do not believe this is a viable pregnancy.”  He said so matter-of-fact like.  I just stared at him.  I was numb.  No tears came to my eyes and no words would come out of my mouth.  He went on to explain that he wanted me to have a more extensive ultrasound the next morning to be sure and we would make decisions based off of that.  I don’t remember getting to my car.  I do remember sitting in the driver’s seat when I finally started to cry.  I sobbed like a baby as I called Dave to tell him our baby had died.  He was doing an inspection on the house (our current house) we had just put an offer in on.  He rushed home so I wasn’t alone.  I spent the evening calling the people that I thought needed to know.  I called work and took the next day off.  Mostly, I cried.  I cried for myself.  I cried for Dave.  I cried for the little person I’d never get to know.  I had started a collection of things for this baby.  A few cute outfits, blankets, books- one by one I packed them away in a tote to hide in the closet where I wouldn’t have to see them.  That night I had a very vivid dream.  I was standing in front of a huge hand that was wearing a white glove.  Placed in that hand was a tiny, sleeping baby.  There was a light in the room that kept flickering on and off.  I was on my knees pleading for the light to remain on.  Abruptly, the room went black.  And I woke up feeling defeated.  Any possible hope I had that the original ultrasound was incorrect had disappeared.  I knew the baby was gone.  Dave was able to get off of work to go with me to the ultrasound.  The u/s tech watched the screen.  No heartbeat.  With sad eyes she asked me if I wanted to see the screen.  I did and I’ll never forget the image on the screen.  The tiny little image of our baby was laying against the womb.   She gave me one last picture.  We headed over to the clinic immediately following the ultrasound visit.  I waited for an eternity in the OB area surrounded by pregnant women.  They really should separate OB patients from other patients.  It is excruciating to sit next to a women who is about to deliver a baby when you were losing your own pregnancy.  Finally it was my turn to go back into the office.  I was supposed to be 13 weeks along.  My baby was measuring at 9weeks 4 days.  I had my last ultrasound and saw a healthy baby at 9 weeks.  That meant I had been carrying a dead baby around for nearly 4 weeks.  Because my body was not passing the baby on it’s own it was recommended that I go in for a d&c first thing the next day.  I was glad he wasn’t going to make me wait any longer.  In my mind, getting the baby out was the first step in the healing process.  We left the doctor’s office that day feeling lost.  Neither of us really knew how we were supposed to feel or what we were supposed to do next.  I felt stuck in a bad dream that I couldn’t escape out of.  That night was Halloween.  We had planned to go to my parent’s house for pizza and to see my niece & nephew in their costumes.  We still went.  It was easier for me to plaster on a smile around other people than to be alone in our apartment.  We called it a night fairly early because the next morning was my d&c.  We woke up early the morning of Nov. 1 in order to get to the surgical center on time.  I hopped in the shower, held my belly and sobbed.  I whispered goodbye to the little being I had grown to love in 13 short weeks.  I had dreams for this little one.  I envisioned myself rocking him to sleep wearing a blue sleeper.  Of us going for long walks in the spring.  From the beginning I felt as though the baby was a boy.  After having three other children I think I was right.  This pregnancy was very similar to that of Eli & Toby.  We had planned to name him Noah.  But that didn’t really matter any more.  I watched my tears slide off my cheeks and down the drain that day just like my dreams for my baby.  Finally it was time to head to the surgical center.  I took a deep breath, put on my brave face and went in for surgery.  The d&c itself wasn’t horrible.  The nurses were so sweet to me.  A couple of them even told me they had miscarriages and went on to have healthy babies.  Dave took good care of me.  Having a miscarriage throws your body into a weird funk.  I still *felt* pregnant for several days- nauseous, tired, sore.  It was awful.  I went in to the doctor for a follow up visit two weeks after my d&c.  I had lost over 10 lbs in two weeks (grief does that to you).  Dr. G told me they had sent our baby’s tissue to pathology.  The good new was that it appeared as though there was nothing wrong with our baby.  Sometimes these things just happen.  There was no reason to think we wouldn’t be able to have a healthy pregnancy the next time.  That gave me a little bit of hope that I would be a mother someday.    In the weeks after my miscarriage I definitely struggled with grief.   I was angry, very angry.  WHY ME?  THIS ISN’T FAIR!  I was so mad at God.  Mad at myself.  I was mad at almost everyone who tried to offer words of encouragement.  Many people, while well meaning said things that just poured salt into the wound.  “You’re young you can try again.”   “It’s probably for the better.  Maybe it’s sparing you future heartache.”  “Someday you’ll have a baby.”  What they didn’t understand is that I wanted THIS baby, not another baby, no matter how old I was or the fact that I could *try again* didn’t make my loss any easier.  In my heart, my baby had died and a small piece of my heart died along with him.  The most helpful people were the ones who quietly held my hand while I cried.  Who didn’t say anything but made sure I knew they cared.  The friends waiting with a hug as soon as they saw me.  The ones who didn’t judge me when I was simply pissed off and let me vent regardless of how ridiculous I sounded.  I felt abandoned by many people during that time (I now realize others were being respectful & giving me space).  I ended up having about 6 days off from work following my miscarriage.  Perhaps the hardest part for me was moving on with life on that seventh day.  Just putting on makeup & blow drying my hair felt like a massive task.  But it was time to move forward & heal.  My first day back to work I sat in my car in the parking lot staring at the door.  I couldn’t get myself to go back to work.  There didn’t seem to be a point.  I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry.  I called my mom and sobbed “ I need you to talk me into going back to work.”.  She did.  And I made it through the shift.  I took it one day at a time.  The first full day I made it through without crying I cried because I was so proud of myself. 

 

Grief is a process I had not had to face before.  I was blindly trying to find my way out of this dark cloud that engulfed me.  I felt my first glimmer of hope when I found out I was pregnant with Breena.  I went in for my first doctor’s appointment.  My due date: October 30, 2008.  Exactly one year after I found out about my May baby (I ended up bringing Bree home from the hospital on Halloween 2008).  Losing my May 2008 baby was the worst experience of my life.  But in many ways I learned the most valuable lessons from it.  I learned life goes on even after a devastating blow.  I learned that I can handle a lot more than I thought I was capable of.  I learned how to be a good friend to others when they are struggling. I’m a better mother because of it.  I still find my mind wandering back to that time in my life, especially this time of year as the leaves are changing.  Remembering my first pregnancy doesn’t sting anymore.  Wonderful, beautiful things have come my way because of it.  So for that I am grateful.  But I will forever embrace that my heart loves not 3 but 4 precious children.  And someday, when they are much older I’ll even share this with my children.  For now I find peace in honestly, wholeheartedly believing that someday I will get to hold the one whom I carried first. 

 

Remember…Please light a candle for one hour in remembrance on October 15 at 7pm.