Finding Peace

On October 2, 2007 we sat in the doctors office staring at the tiniest little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. Our first baby was wiggling away & waving his sweet little hands at us. Little did we know that he was really just waving goodbye. Four short weeks later we were told we would never hold our precious baby, he had quietly gone to heaven. I felt my heart shatter in my chest.

Three years later I sit here watching my daughter splash in her bubble bath, giggling as she plops bubbles on top of her head. I finally feel like I can accept losing our first child. If we would have had that baby, we would not have Breena & most likely Eli wouldn’t be in the picture either. While I have had my moments of question, I have always trusted in God’s plan for our lives. I am truly at peace with our loss. In fact, I think I am a better mother because of it. However, every October a part of me still aches for the child I never held. When I hear the rustle of the crisp autumn leaves blowing in the breeze I cannot help but imagine it is our dear baby whispering to us that he is happily surrounded by angels.  And what a true sense of peace this brings my once shattered heart.

I have a request…October 15^th is Miscarriage, Infant Loss, & Stillborn Remembrance Day. At 7pm, please light a candle for one hour in memory of our baby & all the tiny souls who left this earth much too early. Say a prayer for their families. It may not seem like much, but to a mother of one of these babies it means everything.

I debated whether or not to write such raw emotions. But this has been weighing heavily on my heart. I promise for a more upbeat post next time.